Shit Tim Says

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Fri, 24 May 2013 01:03:52 -0400

Let Me Get This Straight.

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:59:01 -0400

So a pro football player burns roughly 650 calories in 1 hour.

A dci member burns roughly up to 700 in a full run of an 11 minute show.

So is it a Marching field or a Football field?

~~It’s just band.~~

It really is just band.

fartgallery: I SPENT 6 HOURS MAKING THIS BALLOON PIT AND IT...

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:57:17 -0400

fartgallery:

I SPENT 6 HOURS MAKING THIS BALLOON PIT AND IT DOESNT EVEN WORK

There's just as much of a difference between being fat and healthy as there is between being skinny and healthy

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:55:26 -0400

kapooyah: bellabracha: what even IS american culture it’s just a big ball of different cultures...

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:48:26 -0400

kapooyah:

bellabracha:

what even IS american culture

it’s just a big ball of different cultures with no set value

i don’t get it

personally i feel like romeo and juliet could have handled the situation better

Thu, 23 May 2013 07:58:57 -0400

personally i feel like romeo and juliet could have handled the situation better

chemicaldarkshine: hardestcopy: bijou1986: A Mom went to have...

Thu, 23 May 2013 07:58:02 -0400

chemicaldarkshine:

hardestcopy:

bijou1986:

A Mom went to have dinner with her son who lives with his roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how handsome his roommate was. She had been suspicious about her sons sexuality but being a good mother she felt that he would let her know if and when the time was right but seeing the two together just made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the interaction between the two she wondered even more if there was more here than meets the eye. Her son, sensing his mothers watchfully eye volunteered, “really Mom, I can tell what you’re thinking and you can just get it out of your mind, we are just roommates and nothing more”.

About a week later the roommate remarked, “ever since your mother was here the silver serving platter has been missing, do you think she took it?”

He responded, “Well I’m sure she didn’t but I will email her and ask just to be sure” he sat down and wrote:

Hey Mom
I’m not saying you did take the silver platter from the house and I am not saying you didn’t take it but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your Son.

A couple days later he got a response from his mother:

Dear Son,
I am not saying that you do sleep with your roommate and I am not saying that you don’t sleep with him and you know I love you and could care less either way but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the platter under his pillow.
When are the two of you coming for dinner?
Love,
Mom

BEST MOM

I’m crYING

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Thu, 23 May 2013 07:56:15 -0400

donkjonah: to infinity and beyonce

Sun, 19 May 2013 07:40:08 -0400

donkjonah:

to infinity and beyonce

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Sun, 19 May 2013 07:39:52 -0400

aseaofquotes: — Ernest Hemingway

Sun, 19 May 2013 07:39:35 -0400

aseaofquotes:

— Ernest Hemingway

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Sun, 19 May 2013 07:38:53 -0400

danalmostcaughtonfire: THIS WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVORITE VIDEO ON...

Wed, 15 May 2013 22:58:01 -0400

danalmostcaughtonfire:

THIS WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVORITE VIDEO ON THIS WEBSITE

adedas: mcbrayers: yet another unrealistic expectation for...

Wed, 15 May 2013 10:20:00 -0400

adedas:

mcbrayers:

yet another unrealistic expectation for women

omg

supermegafoxyawesomehotnot: teruteruhanamura: im fucking cryiNG OH MY GOD???? THIS GUY FROM...

Wed, 15 May 2013 10:17:34 -0400

supermegafoxyawesomehotnot:

teruteruhanamura:

im fucking cryiNG OH MY GOD???? THIS GUY FROM SHREK

IS CALLED LORD FARQUAAD RIGHT??? AND FARQUAAD SOUNDS A LOT LIKE FUCKWAD WHEN U SAY IT

LORD FUCKWAD

HOW DID THAT ONE SLIP PAST

SAY IT WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT

potential-and-difference: prop-215: dazegetbrighter: what if rocks are actually soft but just...

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:49:20 -0400

potential-and-difference:

prop-215:

dazegetbrighter:

what if rocks are actually soft but just tense up when we touch them?

How stoned are you right now?

Was that a fucking pun?

blein: sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet...

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:47:27 -0400

blein:

sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS A BUNCH OF LAPTOPS SO HE TOOK THE SUITCASE AND RAN AND I JUST

cliterallysame: legit-humour: why does waldo wear stripes? because he doesn’t want to be...

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:46:50 -0400

cliterallysame:

legit-humour:

why does waldo wear stripes? because he doesn’t want to be spotted

this is legit humour

sexhaver: boredlord: What do teens like?!? Is it memes? Memes about skeletons? Piss?...

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:40:57 -0400

sexhaver:

boredlord:

What do teens like?!? Is it memes? Memes about skeletons? Piss? Communism?

this post is 20x funnier if you imagine a CEO shouting it at his board of directors

gothicstan: gothicstan: gothicstan: i just gave a stranger on the internet my address so they can...

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:39:01 -0400

gothicstan:

gothicstan:

gothicstan:

i just gave a stranger on the internet my address so they can buy me pizza

my foLLOWERS ARE THE EBST??? OH MY GOD

LOOK

PIZZA

my mom saw the pizza and she knows im broke and now shes really mad and im grounded